Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray the Lord my soul to keep.
If I should die before I wake,
I pray the Lord my soul to take.
Final arrangements for my soul are covered. Don’t even worry about that. But if
I should die before I wake, don’t forget the key to my filing cabinet... hidden
in our previously-discussed location. That key opens the humble remains of my
material existence.
Organized clearly within my files, you will find the following important
information...
1. PIN numbers to my bank cards. Go to an ATM machine and withdraw all of
it. There should be enough there to pay my funeral costs and any unpaid bills I
may have left behind. I’m sorry there isn’t much more cash than this sitting in
reserve under my name. I felt it was more important to assist those in my circle
of love when I was alive to do something about it. I never had much. I was among
the class of the “working poor”... living “hand to mouth” mostly. Don’t bother
looking for any insurance policies. Like millions of other Americans, I lived my
entire life not being able to afford the peace of mind that comes with things
like life/medical insurance. I was too busy just trying to pay the rest of my
bills... and the bills of those I love.
2. Passwords to all of my internet accounts. Shut down my websites so
they won’t keep trying to bill me postmortem. Go to my email account and send a
mass-mailer to everyone in my address book, telling them of my passing. I have
already made sure they knew how much I loved and appreciated them each day that
I was alive... but tell them again one more time. After you do this, cancel my
Earthlink and AOL internet services as well.
3. Ownership titles to my vehicles. They aren’t worth much, but they are
paid for. My signature is already on the “transfer of ownership” line on the
back of the title. Maybe you can give them away to someone needing a set of
wheels.
4. Account numbers for my studio phone and cell phone. Cancel these
services, of course. Obviously I won’t be making... or answering... calls any
longer.
5. Contact information for my employer at the Airport. Let him know I
won’t be showing up for work anymore. And ask him to inform the hundreds of
wonderful people I work with about my death.
I’m embarrassed to say, but that’s about it. I never owned a home or real
estate. Besides 3 somewhat depreciated vehicles, a small amount of furniture and
a computer, I have nothing more to materially show for my 46 years on this
planet.
I once heard a preacher say that cemeteries are filled with many unrealized...
unfulfilled dreams. I suppose many people do die not knowing who they are...
without any sense of destiny.
I have often discovered the principles of the Christian Holy Book to be grounded
in what some might call plain old “common sense”. For instance, Jesus said if we
believe... have faith... persist... never give up in our pursuit of something,
it will be obtained. In my opinion, this means if a desire sticks with us
throughout the months and years it may require to achieve it, then it must be
something we REALLY want. All other things we THOUGHT we wanted (but really
don’t) would have long since dropped by the wayside during such an arduous
quest. I also believe the things we REALLY desire not only reflect who we are
(which is why they stay with us no matter how long), but are the tools we need
to fully express and actualize all we can be. Something inside us knows what we
really want/need even when it is very unclear to our conscious and cluttered
minds. We are driven and nagged in some spiritual way to keep reaching and
seeking until we find our fullness. Why most of us have not a clue what we want
or who we really are until the race is half-to-nearly over, I don’t know.
Perhaps our purpose here on earth is only to figure this out... to truly know
and be ourselves... and to help others do the same??
Being gay is part of who I am. I remember praying and seeking every way possible
to have this orientation changed. I thought I REALLY wanted that at the time!
This desire became frustrated, exhausted, and eventually weakened and died years
later. It didn’t endure the rigors of time because it did not reflect the
unchangeable truth of who I am. I learned God had no interest in reorienting my
sexuality. What he wanted was for me to live out my gay orientation... allow it
to add to the joy that comes when we know, accept, and fully express who we are.
There is nothing more fulfilling than being, growing, and expressing who we are!
It is so aligned! It feels so peaceful and right! No desiring/pretending to be
something that just doesn’t fit... doesn’t flow... doesn’t work.
If I should die before I wake... the Lord gets my soul... a loved one gets a key
to wrap up the final details of my meager material trappings... and I take with
me all of the love I have for each person I have had the privilege to call
“friend” and/or “bondfriend”. That’s where the true riches of my life are
stored. I consider myself to be a rich man in this sense. Each of you knows what
you mean to me... and in the end, you’re all I really leave behind that’s worth
anything.
Jordan
is 19 years old. By his own admission he sees nothing much of value in himself.
Being very cute, he has no problem hooking up with guys. He’s already been with
too many different guys to count. It’s not hard to figure out why he has been
branded with a slutty reputation. In order to avoid showing any vulnerability,
he tells me he’s not looking for anything but sex, sex, sex. Yet, for the number
of times he has called me over to his house after one of his encounters has
ended... lying face down on his bed... crying with the question, “Why doesn’t
anybody care about me?”... it’s clear to me he's looking for much more than
sex.
He seeks the attention of a hottie and almost always gets a second look. Feeling
worthy and affirmed! The hottie agrees to go home with him. Affirmed again! He
takes his clothes off and the hottie loves what he sees. More affirmation! They
“do it” all steamy and incredible... each moan from the hottie delivering more
affirmation into Jordan’s hungry void. Just as he’s beginning to taste what it’s
like to feel worthy... just as he’s reaching deeper to embrace and hang on to
the source of his new-found happiness... the hottie thanks him for a great
time... takes a quick shower... gets dressed... and leaves the apartment. He
might get a shot at a second romp with the hottie... but usually not. After the
first time or two, the “magic” is gone for many guys out there.
The old adage, “A little affirmation, albeit fleeting, is better than none at
all,” has not proven to be true for Jordan. He feels worse about himself... and
more unworthy... every time a guy humps his body and soul and then sets him
aside like trash. Jordan is learning the hard way that his adorably sexy bod may
be enough to get laid whenever he wants... but it’s more of a distraction when
it comes to finding a true and lasting bond of love. So everyone loves his
body... but no one is interested enough to stick around and love who he is
inside that body. It should be clear to all how utterly degrading that can be to
a man’s self-worth... especially when it happens over and over again! Not a
healthy pattern at all! There is something to be said for the good old fashioned
approach of saving sex for the one who chooses to love and commit to your whole
self... body, soul, spirit, and life.
If I should die before I wake, hopefully you will continue to inherit the sense
of my love and recognition of your worth... because I’ll still be feelin’ it
wherever I may be. Don’t let anyone oppress you for being gay. Don’t reject God
because some group of misguided religious extremists wants you to believe God
hates “fags”. Don’t let anyone sexually use and/or abuse you because you think
you’re somehow unworthy to find a higher true love. And don’t be fooled and
emotionally eroded by lust. We all deal with it. Gorgeous guys here, there,
everywhere who take your breath away from afar. You think you want to fuck their
brains out... and you may actually take that plunge... but their god-like status
quickly dissolves into something more realistic... more human... after you get
to know them. You may find out you still like them a day or 2 later. Or you may
discover you can’t stand them. No matter how fucking hot they may be, you won’t
want to sleep with them after that. As blinding as lusty sex can be, it is not
what we really want after it is all said and done. A significant, meaningful
bond with another guy... to be validated as worthwhile by someone perceived to
have prize-worthy qualities... which doesn’t necessarily require sex... is what
we all really crave. Some guys whore themselves out far too many demeaning times
before they learn this important truth. Value yourself enough to sexually hold
out for true love with another man.
This is my message... my mission... my purpose... who I am.
If I should die before I wake, let this part of me live on in you, ok?
