Why my mind has inexplicably jolted back to memories of 1968, I may never know. I dare say I may have actually unburied the very first conscious twinge of gayhood to ever course through my mind and body. I was only 8 years old back then. Yet, here I am at the age of 45, remembering deep feelings that have been forgotten for decades.

It all began with an ABC Television show called "Here Come the Brides" which aired from 1968-1970. The focus of my pounding heart? Actor Bobby Sherman who played the role of "Jeremy" in that series. He was so beautiful! Gorgeous face... eyes... body... and the way he wore his shirt... the top three buttons disengaged... showing his sexy smooth chest! I was totally infatuated. My father shot me disapproving, mildly-disgusted looks when he heard me raving about "Jeremy" because it just wasn't "normal". Heart throbbing... thoughts adoring... keep it quiet... shut it down... yeah... at the age of 8... that's when I felt my first stirrings for a man... and the new-found closet inside my heart where I felt it necessary to hide it all.

I followed everything Bobby Sherman did after that... his acting roles, TV interviews, song recordings, concerts... until he left the entertainment business several years later. That's right... among the crowd of adoring teenage girls, you would have found me... swooning in the presence of teen-idol Bobby Sherman. It didn't matter that he wasn't gay because it didn't occur to me that I might be gay at the time either. I didn't analyze, self-reflect, or draw any conclusions about myself back then. I was enthralled... that's all I knew... and I never dug deep to question why.

Bobby Sherman was a soft-spoken, unassuming, deeply gorgeously cute guy. I was attracted to that. I put him high on my pedestal and I fell for him deeply.

When singer Tom Jones became an American sensation in the 70's, I found myself swooped into his current as well. Once again, amidst the throngs of adoring women, there too was I, captivated by this man. I bought all his records, posters, etc. And once again, I was the dishonored recipient of my father's disapproving, mildly-disgusted facial expressions. There I go again... not being "normal". To this day, I still can't really figure out why Tom Jones stole me the way he did. It's not like I found him sexually attractive. He's got a great singing voice... but I think it was his dance moves that caught me because I imitated and adopted every one of them as my own. I even sang and danced "Tom Jones style" for all of my neighbor-friends on frequent occasions.

Tom Jones was an electrifying performer "back in the day". He had uninhibited freestyle charisma and power to move people. I was attracted to that. I put him high on my pedestal and I fell for him deeply.

There were other objects of infatuation that followed after Tom Jones in my teen years which were a bit more real and accessible in my every day life. One was a math teacher... the other, a lawyer. Both of these men were very charming, yet had strong personalities and bad tempers. When they went off into angry tirades, I was mesmerized by them. I absorbed their rantings and ravings like a dry sponge. I wanted to be that free to release all the anger I, myself, had been suppressing for years about my life. It's not like I had a bad childhood. I had a very good childhood. But things were not right inside me. By then, although in almost total denial, my gay thoughts and feelings were surfacing and being stuffed into my closet so quickly, there was no time to really look at them or face them. This fueled an angry frustration inside me. I was not in touch with myself enough to understand what was going on, but nevertheless, it was there.

The math teacher and the lawyer knew how to express anger. I was attracted to that. They inspired me to never let anyone or anything suffocate or suppress my inner self. I put them high on my pedestal and I fell for them deeply.

Then there was the powerful preacher of a mega-church. I deeply and reverently idolized him for a time too. Why? Because in the midst of the conservative religious world unto which he was a leader, he had a tendency to be just controversial enough to "raise people's eyebrows" and yet still get away with it without serious repercussions. A non-conformist who had learned the art of living and thriving in a conformist environment. He inspired me (unbeknownst to him, of course) to develop social and communicative skills to help me survive in a world unfriendly to the realities about me that do not conform to the so-called "norms" of society. It's strange. My father gave me the same disapproving, mildly-disgusted looks when I was speaking highly of this preacher.

Anyway, the preacher knew how to maneuver around the disapproval of people and still be greatly loved. I was attracted to that. I put him high on my pedestal and I fell for him deeply.

And now, in this little timeline down memory lane in the archives of my life, I find myself, today, without an object of infatuation. I haven't had one for years. I guess I must have worked out the major fundamental issues of my existence... at least for now. I wouldn't be surprised. however, to discover new issues regarding my ever-continuing personal growth and evolution that need to be attended to in the days to come.

Thank you all for attending this brief overview of the life and times of "Daem11on". Stay tuned for upcoming sequels.

~ SPECIAL THANKS TO ~

~ Bobby Sherman ~
For being the first gorgeous man to stir up the gay truth about me...
even though it has taken me many, many years to finally face it and accept it

~ Tom Jones ~
For inspiring me to freely and uninhibitedly reach out and hopefully touch and move people

~ Math Teacher and Lawyer ~
For igniting a fire in me to fight and overpower all forms of personal suppression and oppression in my life

~ Mega-Preacher ~
For showing me, by your example, the skills to successfully be
who I am in a world that would often like to reshape me into someone I am not