I laid there on the bed a couple of nights ago with my eyes closed in total amazement. The vision I was seeing was so real. When I opened my eyes, the vision surrendered itself to the surroundings of my room. Yet, upon closing my eyes again, it was still playing in vivid, living color. The feelings associated with the vision were not happy. "Dread" is the word I will use to describe the emotion.
The color of the sky in the vision was lime-green. Dark, ominous clouds were moving through it. Then, there was a break in the clouds and I saw the shadowy figure of a man pass over my head. As abruptly as it had appeared, the vision ended after that.
I, myself, have actually never seen a lime-green sky, but I have read reports of such phenomena. Apparently it's a rare happening because it requires a fairly exact, dense cloud coverage out to a distance of about 20 miles in the sky in order for the sun to reflect this color. Much more common are the yellow, orange, and red sky colors produced when a heavy cloud deck extends out 25, 30, or more miles away.
Nevertheless, a lime-green sky usually portends a storm. The significance of this color symbol in my vision, I believe, had to do with a sinister someone or something positioned in a 20 mile range of my life. Well, ok... a lime-green sky could happen if the clouds are slightly UNDER or OVER the 20 mile mark... and my dreams and visions usually do not pinpoint EXACT numerical times, dates, or range-distances either. Of course I was considering all of this in loose, general terms. But 20 miles... give or take a few... is still a lot of territory! This general bit of information didn't give me much of an advantage, did it! Impending trouble could still come from a lot of different directions! Which direction should I focus on?
The circle on the map below highlights an approximate 20 mile radius from my studio.
Who or what was that shadowy figure of a man in my vision? That seemed to be the most important question of all.
I'm writing this journal just a few short days before Christmas. It's a time when extended families come together and celebrate happy moments. I have had no contact with my extended family for over 10 years. That realization hits me in strange ways during the holiday season. I know for my own growth and development, I cannot afford to be connected to my extended family. The path I have taken in life just does not fit in their general worldview. They are not bad people. In fact, they are very GOOD people. It's just that their opposition to who I am... what they know about me, and so many things they will never know... would crush my spirit slowly over time. Hell, it took me YEARS of being apart from them before I could get the voices of their particular brand of religious beliefs and expectations out of my mind! It was only then that I was free enough to discover who I am and what my purposes in life are.
Yet, like a break in the heavy storm clouds, I think about reconnecting with them whenever the holidays are upon us. That's what I was thinking about as I was laying on the bed the night of my vision.
Oh, what a lime-green sky of hardship... albeit subtly delivered for the most part... would hover over me if I walked back into their lives! I'm gay and content with that... FINALLY! And I'm a Christian unlike any definition of the word upheld by my extended family. Oil and water... they just don't mix. And unfortunately, I am too weak to be strong under any long-term pressure from FAMILY!
Yes... the dark shadowy figure of a man passing overhead in that break in the storm clouds is none other than my "Family Spirit". Incidentally, the pillars of my Family Spirit live about 20 miles from where I live. It inspires dread to think of being held under that spirit again. It's a strong spirit. It doesn't have to scream, yell, and brutally assault me to tear me down. Just a look... one tiny little fleeting look of disapproval in the eyes... or a brief twitch in the face that portends the storm that could and would unleash if they ever again felt "familiar" enough with me to speak their minds. That's the power of a family spirit. I, in my weakness, must maintain the distance. It would be a disaster if I failed to do so because I'm different than I was when they knew me. I wouldn't sit back quietly and pretend to be something I am not for the sake of peace anymore. I'd fight for myself this time... and things would only be worse. Strife and direct conflict would keep us apart after that... rather than the quiet separation I choose to grow and thrive in now.
I've chosen to be who I am... a gay Christian. I had to leave behind the strong Family Spirit that could never accept the peculiar path I walk with God and my sexuality.
I can hear the voice of the Family Spirit right now! "What could possibly be more important than FAMILY!?" "The FAMILY is an institution ordained by GOD!"
Well, under the right circumstances these statements may have merit. But, the God I follow also said this...
"Do not think that I have come to bring peace upon the earth; I have not come to bring peace, but a sword. For I have come to part asunder a man from his father, and a daughter from her mother, and a newly married wife from her mother-in-law... and a man's foes will be they of his own household. He who loves father and mother more than me is not worthy of me; and he who loves son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me" (Matthew 10:34-37).
I'm sorry to say to all of the "James Dobson/Focus on the Family/Family Values" worshipers out there, but it's true... sometimes we have to divide up our Family Spirit in order to walk out our own personal faith-relationships with God.
So, rest assured, there will be no lime-green skies for me. I, the ever-discovering and evolving man I was created to be, will be celebrating the holiday season with those in my circle of love... which includes all of YOU who care enough to be reading this right now.
HAPPY HOLIDAYS!!!!!
